29 December 2008

Buckets of Sass & Sonic Bitches


So yesterday Mandar, Pandora, and I celebrated both Christmas and my 23rd birthday. The kitty you see above is known as "Yappy Cat" for she yaps and she is a cat. She is always there to see us off and to welcome us home.

Anyways, it started out early morn at Pandora's house. She had bought me a shirt as well as Season 1 on the Tudors on DVD. For Mandar she bought him a Nightwish shirt and cheese popcorn. The shirts didn't come in the mail yet so we got printed pictures of what is to come. For her we bought a Twilight keychain and gave her Kirby Superstar DS and Big Brain Academy DS.

We left for Columbus toward the BD's Mongolian grill. On the way we were trying to find a Speedway for Pandora to cash in some of her points or something for a $20 gift card. So we got off at the Polaris mall exit (a place we were planning to go on the way home) hoping to find a Speedway. We didn't. But the mall was there and we decided to go to the "hippie store" as we call it (Tropical Trends). It was 11:23am and to our surprise nothing in the frickin' mall was open yet! So then we continued our way toward the Easton Mall.


At the Easton mall we ate at the Mongolian grill. Oh gawd it was so good. I put in my bowl shrimp, crab, noodles, corn, onions, mushrooms in a teryaki and fajita sauce. It was simply orgasmic.


The black lady that was our server was really nice, except when i asked her if I pay up front or to her and she replied, "you pay it to me!" with buckets of sass. The owner or general manager came out and talked to us a lot and she was really nice too.

Inside the mall we got some smoothies from Planet Smoothies. Mandar and I also got covers for our enV-2 phones so we can tell them apart. We walked about Hot Topic and GameStop. Then we went to Bath and Body works because they were having a sale that Pandora couldn't refuse. She spent 40 bucks in there on a some stuff and the bitchy lady gave her a huge fucking bag that was far too big for the few items she purchased.

Next Pandora had to pee really bad so I promised her that there would be a bathroom in the two-story Barnes and Noble. As we walked about her ginormous bag was knocking shit over everywhere we turned. Oh and apparently she was half naked in the bathroom when her phone went off as loud as could be. Haha, I'm sure she could tell it better.


Finally it was time for us to see our movie. Pandora had already seen Twilight but wanted us to see it as well. It was far better than I had expected. Granted, it was the expected dramatic teenage love story filled with mooshiness and cheese, but it was executed well.


Haha, I totally forgot. Before the movie we were shocked to see how many different types of food there was available at the food court. They had these pretzel bites with cheese that I was wanting but the fucking place was so packed that they sold out. The girl at the register, Autumn, was apparently overstressed or sleepy or something because I was afraid she was gonna pass out on the counter. Hell when I asked her how long it would be for more she practically slithered her way back to see without any strength.

After the movie we made our way back to Polaris which we arrived at about 5:15pm and which closed at 6:00pm. We had a few stops to make. First the hippie store, where Pandora bought a little Buddha. Next we went to the World Bazaar where we bought a beautiful statue of a Greek goddess.


It was now time for some dinner and I had to pee. We stopped at Sonic and ordered. The guy taking the order was both and rude and acted like he was stoned. I said, "we have two orders if that's okay," and he responded, "sure... why not." Well we get the food (which was delicious) and I paid in cash for Mandar and I's $16 bill. Pandora paid on her card her $8 bill. When she got her receipt she found that he had charged her $16 instead of $8.

Annoyed, we pressed the button and a nice girl came out to take the card and fix it. I knew something was wrong when the guy who took our order and the manager came out. First she was nice, she explained that they voided her first charge and charged her correctly. Then the shit hit the fan. She told me that I owed $8 now. I told her that I paid the full sixteen dollars in cash, I gave a ten, a five, and two ones and got back a handful of change. The douchebag was like, "no... you gave me a twenty." So I told her that he was wrong and was both rude and acted stone and she fucking freaked out. She went on and on and on about how dare I call him rude. She accused us of trying to get out off paying eight dollars like it was some amazing plan to cheat Sonic. She never paused for a second for me to even say a word. Finally, she gave back the card and left but not before warning us that if we dared call in and complain about the two of them then, and I quote, "we will put down a complaint against you!"

A complaint against me? To who!? I have never seen a manager freak out so much. What's worse is that all the idiot has to do is to stuff eight dollars in his pocket to make it look like we did cheat Sonic. What a fucking bitch. Thankfully a new Sonic is being built even closer to us this coming year.

Once we got back to Ontario we went to Wal-Mart and Meijer (because we had gift cards for both). I purchased Twilight the book so that I may read it. I've read a little bit and can tell her writing ability is very juvenile and full of repetitiveness. She broke the first rule of all writing which is that you never ever start a novel with a description of the weather. Either way, it's not Stephine Meyer's writing ability that sells her books, it her characters and her ability to tell a good story. I myself don't think that I am an amazing writer, but think that my ability to create three dimensional characters and to tell a great story is what carries my writing. So that I think Stephanie and I have in common.

So the twenty-fourth year of my life has now begun just as the year 2009 is at dawn. May there be many more blogs and Greek statues and far less bitchy red heads from Sonic.

24 December 2008

In The Spirit Of Bitching

In the spirit of bitching just for bitching, I fucking hate the designs for Pepsi, Mt. Dew, and Sierra Mist. They're just fucking ugly.

This Is Much Better...

Because making at least general sense doesn't matter anymore, I've decided to redo some things. What I mean is since the idea of dinosaurs ruling the earth after the ice age of mammoths and sabor-tooth cats is okay, I figured this was alright too.

The New "The Tudors"

The New "Zoey 101"

The New "Passion of The Christ"

Okay okay, get it? My news story was featured on Hermant's Blog and people seem to care little about a kids movie that depicts dinosaurs ruling after the rule of mammals. They say, "oh it's a kid's movie" or "oh, lets not forget that they talk too." Okay here is the thing. Sure the animals talk but you don't have to sit down and explain to children that animals really don't talk. They understand fine. However, this is why kids in America will fail in science. Because they are depicting evolution backwards and nobody seems to care.

So if this is gonna fly as okay, you know 65 million years of difference. Then why not have Jesus eating at McDonalds or Henry VIII surfing the internet for his next wife. At least with the last two items the difference is only hundreds of years as apposed to MILLIONS!

23 December 2008

The New Definition Of Male Obesity


So I noticed that they have been airing christmas-y versions of those Mac Vs. PC commercials. I noticed that they make the cute guy itsy bitsy tiny thin and the geeky guy enormous. I wanted to know for sure exactly how much fatter they are making him. So I decided to measure the following using YouTube.

Live Action (Measured pixels at the waist)
Justin Long (Cute Mac Guy) = 56px
John Hodgman (Geeky PC Guy) = 69px

Here John is 23% percent fatter than Justin.

Christmas Animated
(Measured pixels at the waist)
Justin Long (Cute Mac Guy) = 35px
John Hodgman (Geeky PC Guy) = 99px

Here John is 182% percent fatter than Justin.

So the animated version of the commercial makes John nearly eight times fatter than he is in real life to Justin. Nice. Real nice! Justin is the uber hot skinny boy that everyone loves because he's a Mac. John is the grotesque whale of a fat fuck because he's a PC. Nice! Lets exacerbate this with animation.

22 December 2008

The War Continues On...

The great war between The Labyrinth and The Snuggie continues. I'm sorry to report that as we speak Labyrinth soldiers are now invading Snuggie soil. On the 20th of December at 8:53pm the Snuggie committed a horrendous act of terrorism on the e-mail of The Labyrinth's Maze Monster. Contained in a dirty spam-mail was an advertisement for the Snuggie as seen below. This was an unprovoked attack and will not be dealt with lightly.


Soldiers from The Labyrinth will invade and kill the enemy. The innocent civilians will be liberated from their sleeved blankets and introduced to good and decent bathrobes. We will be greeted with cheer as liberators. It will a short and easily won war. Please keep the Labyrinth troops in your thoughts as they fight for your freedom.

21 December 2008

Oh Yeah! This Makes Sense...



This is a poster for the new Ice Age movie coming next year. Apparently they've decided that the next one will be when the dinosaurs take over the world...

Strange, I didn't know that the Ice Age movies were set in a universe where times goes backwards and species de-evolve.

Dinosaurs: Went extinct 65.5 million years ago.
Sabor-Tooth Cats: Went extinct 9000 years ago
Mammoths: Went extinct 4500 years ago.

No why in the fuck are dinosaurs attacking Sabor-Tooth Cats and Mammonths!? Does nobody over at 20th Century Fox know that it's after the Dinosaurs went extinct mammals evolved rapidly to form (in the fullness of time) cats and elephants. Didn't anybody say to themselves, "Hrmm, wait a minute. Dinosaurs went extinct tens of millions of years before Sabor-Tooth Cats and Mammoths ever walked on earth. Maybe this is a dumb idea..."

It's not like these two types of animals were thousands of years apart... but MILLIONS! Millions and millions and millions of years. 65.5 MILLION! Worst of all, I have been looking online and very few people seem to have picked up on this HUGE mistake. What the fuck.

Now, here is Jesusland ::cough cough::, I mean America, it won't be that big of an issue. But over in educated countries like England, France, Spain, Finland, Denmark, Iceland, Portugal, Switzerland, Japan, Taiwan, Germany, Canada, Austria, Ireland, Latvia, Norway... and so on, where the studios want to get international moneys, there might be a fucking issue.

20 December 2008

Look What I Did To My Parents Dogs!!!

I made them wear their sweaters...

And then the UFO came and took them away!

19 December 2008

My Car Doesn't Have The Christmas Spirit


So last Sunday I got off work to find that my check engine light was on. It wasn't flashing, it was just illuminated so that meant that something small was wrong. Needless to say, I hate that. Now as things go, sometimes if you don't put your gas cap on tightly the light will come on and I was hoping that was the only issue.

A couple days later I got gas and when I started the car it make a great rumbling sound. I turned it off and tried again and it was fine... Hrmm.

So then last night, the check engine light was still on, I got gas again. When I turned the key it barely started. In fact, it didn't actually turn. I tried again and it went fine. All week the car has run fine, just when I get gas and do the initial start up does it wig out.

Since it made such a hub-bub I called the repair shop where I purchased the car to get it an appointment (lucky for me I got one for the next day, today, at 10am). The car ran great on the way to Pandora's. It ran just fine everywhere. However, that fucking light was still on, taunting me.

Today at 10am I got my car in and the guy gave me an estimate of $75. My immediate thought was that it would be more because it's always more. Sitting in the waiting room with fucking Regis and Kelly in the background, I played my DS and waited. After a bit the guy came out and told me that some filter or gauge or something or another was shifted and broken and that the total cost for parts and repair would be $165 dollars. No real shock there. And considering what could have been wrong, that wasn't really that much. It could have been a lot worse.

Unfortunately it wouldn't be fixed til 3pm or so (they close at 5:30pm). So I called Aurora and she picked me up and we went to Taco Bell. And here I am now, waiting for them to call to let me know it's finished. It will be so much better when that fucking light is off. It taunts me so.

Other than that things have been pretty okay this week. Mandar got a bonus and so we bought him a new computer and we each got new phones (which I ordered today!). I'm so pumped for my enV2!

So now it's just the waiting game. Tick tock. Tick tock.

18 December 2008

Are They Out Of Ideas Or Something?


So I am a big fan of AFI and lately there has been this mystery surrounding their official website. Well today, that mystery ended and they have got some video of Davey asking people to send then videos of them talking about their lives.

I don't get it. Have they run out of ideas or something? I'm never a big fan of stuff like this. I prefer it when artists actually write their music and perform it themselves. Asking fans to send them videos talking about their day to day lives... uh... snore!



I can't really see why a person's day to day life is so important to the recording of AFI's new album. I'm rather annoyed by them to begin with, you know the whole, "oh now that we're famous we can only have one new album every three years."

Oh and apparently you have to be American to send in a video. WTF? Apparently the lives of Americans are only important enough for AFI to view.

17 December 2008

SkyMall Is Now On My Hit List

SkyMall has come out with their 2008 catalog. They have got some weird ass shit like a double umbrella, a marshmallow gun, and a liquor accelerator.



And just as I thought things couldn't get stranger, I fucking saw this...



It's called the Slanket. THE SLANKET! It's a rip off the Snuggie. What the fuck!? Is there really that big of a demand for sleeved blankets that we need two companies fighting for our sleeved blanket dollars!?

You know, there is this girl that work's with Mandar and Pandora, now she's not a Slanket, but I would definitely call her a Skanklet! Hahaha. She's ripe for parody!

Click here to see more!

14 December 2008

Fall Quarter Grades Are In!

Woo! Look how smart I am! Nanny nanny poo poo!

Where's My Network?


So apparently it's the fault of Visa (according to my bank). I called and she said that several people had problems yesterday and today. It's Visa's fault and it's being fixed. Thankfully I wasn't at some store all day shopping just to get my card denied. Urrg!

13 December 2008

Fuck You, Fuck You, You're Cool, Fuck You...


What a fucking day. I'm gonna go ahead and divide this whole post up into "Fuck You!" and "You're Cool." I think it will be most fitting for this roller coaster of a day.

Fuck You #1: The Traffic Lights In Ontario
So Mandar and I went to go see The Day The Earth Stood Still at about 11 this morning. I had to work 4pm to Close today so we went to see the early showing. Once we got to Ontario frustration set in. I swear to god that the lights are completely fucked up. They stay red for 10 minutes. They stay green for 10 seconds. Arrrrggggh!

Fuck You #2: The Douchebags Behind Us
In the movie there was this couple behind us a few rows that talked quite a bit. The most annoying part was when Jennifer Connolly's character whispered to Klaatu "run" and the guy was like "What did she say!?"

You're Cool #1: The Film
Despite the fucking critics, I really enjoyed the film. Rotten Tomatoes has it at a 22% but I really like it. The critics seemed far to perturbed by the film's message (that humans are destroying the earth). However, when a fucking cartoon robot says the same exact thing, they jizz their pants. They also complain cos Keanu Reeves is emotionless. He's playing a FUCKING alien! One critic said he hated it before he even watched it cos you just can't remake the 1951 original. Jesus Christ!!! So yeah, really good film actually. The special effects were great and John Cleese and Kathy Bates were amazing (like always).

Fuck You #3: Christmas Shopping Traffic
Every single fucking person on EARTH was shopping in Ontario. It took forever just to get down the street.

Fuck You #4: The Airpump At Speedway
My front tires were a little low so I decided to fill them up a little bit. I stopped at Speedway but their fucking pump was broke. Jesus!

Fuck You #5: That Bitch At Circle K
So we got to Circle K to get gas and put a little air in the tires. I went in to prepay and this dumb bitch in front of us took FOREVER buying cigarettes and lottery tickets.

Fuck You #6: The Bitch At Great Clips
So we both get our hair cut at Great Clips. It's cheap. We're guys. We're cheap. Big deal. Wanna fight about it? So we go there and they asked our number and name. By chance we both happen to have the same first name (however I go by my middle name). The dumb bitch could not accept that two people both could live under the same roof with the same first name.

Fuck You #7: The Cashier's Office At School
So I had to pay my first payment for my winter quarter fees. I have to sign this paper but the fucking cash office was closed so now I have to go back again sometime this week to sign the paper. Urgh!

Fuck You #8: Ms. Trainee
So we got back to Great Clips (because the wait was rather long) and we got our hair cut. Mandar had a nice lady who did a good job. I had this dumb 16 year old girl (I swear she was). She didn't do a horrible job, but what irked me was that after she was done she said, "Okay, lemme get somebody to check this for me. I'm still in training." Are you fucking kidding me!? You couldn't have divulged this ahead of time?

Fuck You #9: The Popeye's Management
So we go through Popeye's Chicken for lunch and it takes forever and ever and ever. Finally the guy tells us that when he runs the card it says "Referral" and he doesn't know what the means. After the movie and all, all I had was four dollars and my debit card. I told him that's all I had, expecting that he would understand and give us the meal for only four bucks or so since it's their credit card machine's fault, but no! What a douche!

Fuck You #10: Bitchy McDonald's Lady
So, pissed off, hungry, and angry, we stopped through McDonalds. The card was denied. What. The. Fuck! I know we have money in the bank. So I ended up having to use my credit card to pay for the food. Which in retrospect I could have done at Popeye's as well. But of course I felt like a douche having my debit card denied.

Fuck You #11: Richland Bank's Saturday Hours
So I was furious! I immediately called my bank. It was 3:04pm. My bank closed at 3:00pm. Grr!!!

Fuck You #12: My Fucking Bank!
So on the way home Mandar and I speculated that one of three things must have happened. Either one, our card number was stolen again (two years ago it happened twice). Or two, Mandar's paycheck bounced (this happened several years ago before he worked there). Or three, nothing was wrong and our bank was fucked up. Either way, I knew all I had to do was to log into my online banking and check what the fuck was up. I logged in. My balance was $284.76. Now after 6 hours of work, it's still $284.76. Not negative. Positive. So what the fuck is the issue!?!?!?! I guess tomorrow when I call up the bank and ream their asses I will find out.

Fuck You #13: 3 Doors Down
I don't know how I forgot this. But FUCK YOU 3 Doors Down! What a fucking sell out you are. Shooting a music video for the fucking military to try and get more kids to enter into the army. I hated 3 Doors Down to begin with, this just bumped it into a whole new bracket! I love how they make war out to be so simple and so heroic. Clearly they have no fucking idea.

09 December 2008

Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?


So today my professor told the class that we wouldn't need our textbooks anymore and that we were welcome to sell them back to the bookstore. For the two books which cost about $200 dollars, I got back $64. Not horrible.

With this surge of cash in my wallet I decided to go to the mall to buy a new hoodie. My last hoodie I bought at Gabriel Brother's (bad decision there) went to shit when the zipper broke off. It's all the same as the zipper was made of razor blades and cut up my neck all the time.

To my surprise, I hated all the hoodies in Hot Topic. I meandered around the mall for a bit but never found anything worth blowing my wad on. So as I walked through JCPenney I decided to take a look at their mens clothing as well. Most was shit. Some was cool. To my delight, I found a really great hoodie for half off with little thumb thingys that I love.

So I skipped up the register (can't cha just picture it) and stood in the queue. When I walked up she rang me up and my total was $26.44 and she asked me if I wanted to donate $0.56 to charity to make it an even $27. I of course said yes and assumed that their donation gimmick was to simply ask for the remaining change to donate to charity. A little bit over a lot of people really adds up.

So to the left of me a nondescript woman holding a baby was told, "You're total is $58.28, would you like to donate $0.72 to charity to make it an even $59?" The dumb bitch holding her babe replied, "No, if anything you guys should be giving me money."

I wanted to slap her across her fucking face. She was purchasing ipod covers and shoes. Does she really think she is in need of charity? She can't spare 72 fucking cents. I am to the brink of giving up on humanity, I swear.

Talking of humanity, I'm sure you're wondering what that image of the kitty cat above has to do with this story. Well, nothing. But it sure made you read the whole post to find out, huh?

08 December 2008

You've Come A Long Way Baby...


My my my! How things have changed. I've been a huge fan of Shakira and still am. Lately however, she hasn't had anything new out for a while so I haven't listened to her in a while. Well the other night at Pandora's we watched a few videos on her Wii and one of them was "Whenever Wherever" which totally got me into a Shakira kick. She's changed a lot over the ages and I think these next videos really show that.

"Esta Noche Voy Contigo Bailar" - 1991
(Tonight We're Gonna Dance)


"Ojos Asi" - 1999
(Eyes Just So)


"Las De La IntuiciĆ³n" - 2006
(Those With Intuition)


I would totally go straight for Shakira! Oh yeah, what the fuck is up with the elephant in the first video?

07 December 2008

I'm So Fucking Done!


So my douchebag cuntface motherfucker regional manager has a new rule. All call offs need a doctors note. ALL! Next time I've got the shits, I'm fired unless I provide a doctors note. Next time I've got a cold, I'm fired unless I provide a doctors note.

This is fucking fast food. I swear to god he acts like he's curing cancer. This poor kid called off last night and they said told him not to come back in unless he's got a doctors note. We're serving CHICKEN! Jesus fucking christ! Today a manager walked out and quit. In total, 3 managers have quit in 2 months. Two more managers plan to quit over the coming weeks as well as countless employees. Wtf!

I'm so fucking DONE! I've only got a year and a half left of college. I just need a job to help me make it 'til then. JESUS! Tomorrow, job hunting begins.

03 December 2008

A Commercial I Actually Like... WTF!?

No, it's not the fucking SNUGGIE!!! I'm going to have to get dentures soon as I've gritted my teeth down to the gums in anger over that FUCKING piece of shit...

What was I saying?

Oh yeah! I love this commercial for GameStop below. It reminds me of when I realized that my step mother had came across my porn. Haha, and it was gay porn of course too. I can imagine she looked just like this woman. Unfortunately she never confronted me about it. It would have been too hilarious.

The Effects Of An Official Recession


I went through McDonalds last night to find out the following. They have two double cheeseburgers now. You won't believe the difference!

$0.99 Double Cheeseburger - Bun, 2 Patties, 1 Pieces of Cheese, Pickle, Onion, Ketchup, Mustard, Onions
$1.19 McDouble Cheeseburger - Bun, 2 Patties, 2 Pieces of Cheese, Pickle, Onion, Ketchup, Mustard, Onions

My fucking god. Do they really need two different sandwiches on the menu? Couldn't they have just bumped up the price and called it inflation. Or just removed a piece of cheese and not said anything. Was this drastic piece of action really necessary!? Well that was for Mandar, not me.


So I got a 10 piece chicken nugget. I asked for lots of honey to dip it in. I got one... So then I asked for more and they were like "Uhhhhh, we're gonna have to charge you 10 cents per extra honey." Are you fucking kidding me!? I'm supposed to dip 10 nuggets into one tiny cup of honey! It took me a shit load of bitching to finally get a few more without having to give them my debit card for an extra 30 cent charge. The cups are like, a millimeter deep to begin with!

To top it off, while at the grocery store I grabbed a 20 oz. bottle of Mt. Dew. Later when I opened it I noticed that on top of the cap was written the world "Bad" in black marker. Perfect.

International Music Expo

Here are just a few of the international music stars that are rocking my ipod. This music is way better than the shit being pumped out of America. Sample at your own risk. It's all pretty addictive.

Tarkan "Hup"
Turkey


Sarbel "Takse Mou"
Greece


Anna David "Fick Dich"
Denmark


Nightwish "Bye Bye Beautiful"
Finland/Sweden


t.A.T.u. "220"
Russia

02 December 2008

Well If Some UPS Guy Said It...

So Mandar over at Even More Things That Make Me Think pointed me to a article in Newsweek about how Atheists are supposedly going pro-life...

Really!?

Apparently this atheist UPS guy speaks for us all when he says that atheists see life a sacred and want to protect it at all costs. That may be true, but that doesn't make us pro-life. Pro-lifers are people who want to ban all abortion. Some even in the case of rape and incest.

I'm sorry, but this is a poor portrayal of atheists from a major news magazine. Boo on Newsweek for such a shitty article that really shows a complete lack of research from an author who was more than likely looking for a pro-life atheist.

Moreover, Atheists are usually people like me; Preachy pompous know-it-alls (please take a joke people). What they know for sure is that if abortion is illegal (like pro-lifers want it to be) then women will be forced to use coat hangers in dark allies to get abortions.

Check out the article here.

What's On People's Minds...?

So Google has added this new do-hickey to their thingy (tech savvy ain't I!) that gives you the most common keyword search results before you are done typing. So I typed in "description of" and this is what popped up. Really!?



This makes me assume the following:
1) People think the Antichrist is among us right now!
2) People think they are going to heaven... soon I assume.
3) People think others are going to hell... soon I assume.
4) People are seriously concerned about how close English actor Robert Pattinson is to Edward Cullen from the Twilight Series. Really!?
5) People wanna know how close current descriptions of Jesus are that way they can compare them for when he shows back up anytime now.
6) People either want to do cocaine or maybe rat somebody out.
7) People REALLY think the Antichrist is among us! NOW!
8) People don't even know what PEOPLE look like.

W... T...
F!

01 December 2008

Is There Anything Flashcards Can't Make Easy?


Check out these amazing flash cards that tell you all you need to know about the major religions of the world. The only disappointment is the absence of Mormonism. Shucks!

Church of England - Islam - Catholicism - Zoroastrian - Judaism - Hinduism - Buddhism - Jehovah's Witness - Scientology - Evangelical

Even though they aren't religions, they are actually lack of religions, they also did Atheism and Agnosticism.

EDIT: I made a boo-boo. Kudos to The Homosecular Gaytheist who made the Islamic Card because THIS is what the humanist magazine actually made. Apparently they didn't have the balls to take on Islam. Tsk tsk.

Isn't This Heartwarming?


I'm Not Buying It, Michael Phelps


So, I'm fucking tired of seeing this god damned commercial with Michael "Butterface" Phelps for Rosetta Stone. First of all, he bullshits us by claiming that he wanted to learn Chinese before he went to the 2008 Olympics. Yeah right! Save for cultural submersion, it takes years to learn a language as different as Chinese. I like how you see him using the product but never hear him actually say a word in Chinese. The commercial makes it sound as if he learned to speak Chinese fluently. I was so done with Phelps like a week after the Olympics.

Final thought: Boo on Michael Phelps for being such a product whore. Boo on Rosetta Stone for being such a ... poopy head product! Oh and yes, I purposely left out his face in the image above.


Well fuck me in the ass! I dare make fun on one commercial only to see one 100 times worse. You know, you flip it over to the Science Channel and watch some great programing from astrophysicist Michio Kaku and you just expect that total bullshit might be starved off for only a moment. Oh no!

Introducing, the Snuggie!

It's like a blanket... but it has ARMS! Jesus Fucking Christ! My head exploded when I saw this thing advertised. Are you serious!? Have you never heard a of a fucking ROBE!!!! These people look like cult members. I like how they talk about how you can wear it around your house and your dorm to keep warm... like a ROBE!


Rule of thumb. If it's advertised on TV. It's bullshit!


Okay, those are fucking cult members. They are supplying death robes for the next great suicide cult.

Addendum: So every year I tend to wage war on something. This year has gone by pretty smooth. Usually I wage war on Christmas but I've been okay this year. Now, I've decided to wage WAR on the Snuggie. This guy from YouTube understands... (lol, I love the thing he says at about 7:02. He sounds just like Lewis Black).


A blanket... WITH SLEEVES!

30 November 2008

...Down With The Sickness?


So it's day five of my sickness. It all started at Aurora's house the day before Thanksgiving. We were playing Wizard and I had a terribly running nose. Thursday it hit like hell and I could barely enjoy any of the amazing food. Friday was probably the worst. All the symptoms culminated together that day. Saturday I was able to get over my runny nose and stuffy face for the most part but by the end of the day my cough was horrible. So here it is, Sunday, and my cough is worse than ever. My abs hurt from all the coughing but I am starting to get some of my strength back. It hurts to cough so much that I have to hold my stomach to get through it. Needless to say I'm still in no fit state to work.

So when I got up I realized that I was going to have to call off again. I was only scheduled two days this week because usually people aren't in the mood for poultry right after Thanksgiving. So when I called I asked for my schedule for next week too (in which I don't go back until Wednesday), my new manager told me that if I call off again then I will need a doctor's note. A doctor's note!? For fucking KFC!? For a fucking cold!? Are you kidding me? I don't need to see a fucking doctor for a cold. They can last up to ten days and only in rare situations need attention from a doctor.

A doctors note would cost up to $600 dollar for me because I would have to go to the emergency room which is extremely expensive. I can't go see a regular doctor because nearly all doctors in our area now require a person to pay in full up front if the patient has no health care. KFC offers no health care to it's employees and thus I am one of the millions of American who has none. I could go get it myself without the help of an employer which would cost at the lowest price I've seen, $186 a month. I can't afford that. Further more it's terribly shitty health care that covers very little.

Of course there are two great evils in the world that would give me health care. If we passed a national health care service then I would have a least minimal health care that would allow me to visit a doctor without paying out the ass. Also, if same-sex marriage was legalized then Mandar and I could officially get married and I'd be covered under his health care as a spouse. Either way, I'd be covered but since NHS and gay marriage are evil, looks like I'm fucked until Spring of 2010 when I graduate.

Which brings me to my final thought. Even if I had health care, I wouldn't go to the doctors for a fucking COLD!

Oh and I guess I missed a completely valid point... My boss wants me to come into work while I'm infected with an extremely contagious disease! I should have gone in. I should have went in and coughed on everybody that way half the crew (and my douchy manager) would be sick for the next week thanks to his assholiness. Does he really want me to come in with a contagious desease and serve food to the public?

29 November 2008

Created By A School Teacher?


Okay, so I haven't been focusing on my other writing because I've been on my deathbed for the last three days. I usually get about there colds a year. Two of them are very mild. One of them is deathly. This year the deathly cold came on Thanksgiving day, which sucks because I had my deathly cold at the exact same time last year. The only silver lining is that because it came during the holiday I have only so far had to miss one day of work.

So while texting Pandora the subject of Airborne came up because her boss swears by it. Well she's a dumb bitch (the boss, not Pandora).

Now, Airborne marks itself as a "dietary supplement" that stops you from getting a cold. They actually don't specifically say that because for them to do so they'd have to prove it to the FDA. They market it as a "dietary supplement" because that's all it is. It contains vitamins and that's it. All it does is provide the taker with an extra boost of vitamins that their normal diet wouldn't have. However, if the person taking the Airborne usually takes a multivitamin already, then the effects plateau. You would have just as good of a result with a Flintstones vitamin.

But here is the underlining problem. Airborne, in general, isn't dangerous. However, it can be. It has dangerously high levels of Vitamin A and Vitamin C which can cause dizziness and diarrhea. By the big problem is not the diarrhea you might get. It's the fact that people are not only taking, but "swearing" by fake medication (that cost way to much to boot!).

So you might be saying, "What about when my doctor proscribes a placebo?" Well the biggest difference is that when the doctor prescribes a placebo, he knows it's a placebo. Furthermore, a placebo is cheaper than Airborne. A placebo is not something to take over the counter. It's something a doctor proscribes knowing that the disease that they are fighting can be improved by the work of a placebo.

My finer point is this. It's a scary world we live in today when a fake pill can be sold over the counter that claims to stop people from getting a cold. What's truly scary is that people continue to take this because of anecdotal claims of it's effectiveness rather than tried and tested scientific double-blind tests which has shown it to be ineffective. Before you know it, all the tested medicine will be replaced by bullshit concocted by school teachers who just "swear" by it.

Which leads me to my last point. It was created by a school teacher!? I daresay that nobody, NOBODY should ever take a pill created by a fucking school teacher. Are you kidding! I wouldn't dare ingest any medicine that was not created and tested by chemists and medical professionals. What on earth possessed this crazy bitch to think she could make medicine.

An article for further reading can be found here.

PS: A class action suit has been filed against Airborne for it's false claims.

24 November 2008

As It Goes...


When I'm not writing here. I'm writing somewhere else.

15 November 2008

My New Favorite Quote


"America is a lot like Jessica Simpson; she's pretty dumb and sometimes embarrasses you... but damn look at them titties!" - Bill Maher

14 November 2008

Everyone Likes A Good Jab At The Pope



George "Dubya" Bush & Li'l Cheney

How disturbing is this! I had MadTV on while I was cleaning the house and this video came on from an old episode back in 2000. Ugh, Dick Cheney is a creeper.


Almost as disturbing, here is a more recent MadTV video about Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

I Have Committed A Woot!


So there is this great site called Shirt.Woot where you can go to purchase cheap shirts for only $10. The shirts are all uniquely designed by average people who submit them for choosing. Every day there is a different shirt and everyday it's only $10 and that includes shipping!

Well, finally they came out with a shirt I really liked and I just had to buy it. It's kinda creepy and kinda cute. It's called "Hey wait up... you are my best friend."

For ten bucks! Can't beat it!

13 November 2008

Change You Really Can Believe In


Man! Had I known I could have gone this way I wouldn't have voted for Obama.

Osama Bin Laden...

Will be caught before January 19th, 2009. Gotta save the name of the Bush presidency somehow...

12 November 2008

Some Horrible Movies Are Amazing


I don't think I will ever get tired of hearing that guy scream "MORTAL KOMBAT!" just before the totally gay techno music sets it while the larger than life video game characters fight. Last week Mandar and our friend Gary watched "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" on DVD. It was amazing. Sure it's a horrible plot, terrible graphics, and sub-par acting. But for some reason I still love this movie. Maybe because during the 90's I was obsessed with the Mortal Kombat franchise. This reminded me how much I love it so much that I totally ran straight to Wal-Mart to purchase Ultimate Mortal Kombat for Nintendo DS. Love it!

Oh and just for shits and giggles, I checked out Rotten Tomatoes to see what it's rating was there. 4%! Haha. That must be a typo. Cos' I'd give this shiz a 94%! Come on people. It's pretty amazing and you just don't wanna admit it.

11 November 2008

Isn't This Format Getting Old?


Okay, so after one long rant about a lack of originality here is another. Fox is coming out with yet another show from Seth McFarlane, creator of Family Guy. Now normally, I would have nothing but great things to say about him. He's an open atheist. He's extremely liberal. He's very pro-gay rights. He's funnier than hell. And he created Family Guy (as well as does the voice of Peter, Brian, and Stewie).

Well to begin with, Family Guy is very much a bit of a rip of the Simpson, however Seth managed to take the format and totally make it his own. Grade A there. Then he created American Dad which is to say the least, okay. To be honest, the only time I ever really laughed was when Stan was stoned at a 7/11 and said, "Why is there a leopard on this bag of Cheetos?"

So then I heard that there was going to be yet another show from Seth at Fox; a spin-off of Family Guy called The Cleveland Show. Now, I love Cleveland. He's one of my favorite characters so I had real hope and to be honest I will still probably love the show. But seriously, Seth! Get a new format! Do we really need the following in every show?

1) Silly often stupid father
2) Sexy MILF of a mother
3) Teenage daughter with headband/hat
4) Younger son with identity/weight issues
5) Quirky feminine Infant/Alien
6) Talking pet

I swear, Peter's wife Lois and Cleveland's new wife look like they're body doubles with a different skin tone! Again, I'll probably watch it and love it. But serious, Seth! Seriousy!?