So Saturday we left the house for Columbus to see Margaret Cho’s Beautiful tour. First we stopped at Pandora’s and met her mustache. Then we left, hoping to eat at the Truckstop on 13/71, which had its windows bordered up and was closed. Quite depressing. So instead we continued on until we got to Columbus and decided to try out “Red Robin.” I had the Italian burger and it was amazing. They also had bottomless fries.
Then we went to the mall and I had to pee really badly. After that we purchased the paperback version of The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. Then we went into this amazing international store where I swear I could have spent a million dollars.
Then we finally got to the parking garage and went into the show. To my surprise there were actually drinks and everything there. The opening guy sucked… bad. And then Cho came on and it was amazing. Here are a few jems I remember.
“I fucking hate Sarah Palin. I wanna fingerbang some sense into her… at least until her hair comes down.”
“I would lick her pussy but it’s frozen. I’d get my tongue stuck to it.”
“What kinda fucking experience does she have? (In Sarah Palin voice) Oh well geez, I guess we’ll have a snow day.”
“These pants are so tight, that the other day I farted and it came out the front. It’s like a mini-applause.”
“I love penis but I don’t like it when its way too small or way too big; especially when it’s just like a little head and a lot of bush. You know when its looks like a little mushroom in the grass. Oh look! It must have rained last night. Don’t eat it! It might be poisonous. I also hate when it’s long and thin… like, whatdya gonna do with that? Check my oil!?”
“The problem with John McCain is that he’s so old that he doesn’t make jizz anymore, he makes glue.”
“I hate when you find that mold on balls. I’m just like, clean it and I’ll suck it! Clean it and I’ll suck it. No! I said clean it! And I’ll suck it. Oh just wipe it on the drapes.”
“I was getting fucked from behind by my boyfriend once and he’s got the loooongest balls. They were like swinging up and hitting my in the face. Knocked the cigarette right out of my mouth! Gave me a black eye once!”
“The pope is so mean. He’s just so fucking mean… I think he was in Slytherin.”
“Christians hated Brokeback Mountain which I don’t understand why because I went and saw Passion of the Christ and I was just like, Oh Jesus! Say your safety word! Say yellow!”
“I love Jesus because he is such a bottom.”
“My clit is like my on button. (Bending over and making boop noise) Clearly my clit is a Mac clit. I don’t know how a Windows PC vagina sounds. And my anus. That’s like my emergency shut down button. You gonna lose all unsaved changes if push that.”
"I realize that all the shit with Britney Spears went down when she let somebody take a picture of her pussy. Its like, when they take a picture of your pussy, they steal your pussy's soul. Don't let them take a picture of your pussy."
"When I saw them taking Britney out of her house handcuffed to a stretcher I was like, Oh girl! I been there before."
She ended the night with her own song called, "Eat Me Out." The whole song was pretty much her shouting "Eat Me Out!" Well that’s as much as I can remember for now. This was so much more funnier than her last two and I was so relieved. Ever since Notorious CHO, there has been a steady decline in the amount of laughs I’ve been getting and I was worried that I was just growing out of her humor. But this one so fucking hilarious, nearly on part with Notorious CHO, which is surprising considering that she pretty much talked about pimmel and pussy the entire time.