17 September 2008

The Chronicles of a Nomad Pt.2

The Chronicles of a Nomad Pt.2
Poop Bags, Hot Dogs, & Laughing Dads

Tuesday comes around and still now power. FUCK! Dad leaves for work and eventually comes back due to a lack of power at his shop. Thankfully his work eventually calls and tells him that they have power. Step-mom sleeps. She’ll be back on first shift on Wednesday. During the day I listen to the soothing sounds of Dr. Richard Dawkins’ and his wife Lalla Ward in the wonderful audio book version of The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. While listening I play Mario Kart DS, for which I am now trying to get a star rating in every course (tough business).

Later in the day I call up my school to make sure that I am still to get my voucher on time to purchase textbooks and everything checks out there. Around five I travel up to the great city of Lerbut to get Mandar and we head toward Aurora’s house. Not to be off topic, but I really need to get some air to blow my laptop with.

Anywho! Soon after we get there, Aurora, Mandar, and I go to Vernmount to get some warm food at Wendy’s. Mmmm. I got a baked potato, caesar side salad, fries, junior bacon cheeseburger, and nibbled on Aurora’s nuggets (sick!). I kinda had to poop… but didn’t really think about it. Next we swung by our house to get the deck of Wizard Cards, only to see my dad out with the dogs, looking like he hasn’t showered in days (oh wait! he hasn’t!). I kinda had to poop. But I didn’t.

Getting back to Aurora’s, we learn that they have had to start pooping in plastic bags, and then throwing them onto the burn pile as they also don’t have electricity. What’s funny is they have already given warning to their neighbors Jerry and Robin (who used to be my manager at Wendy’s) that they will soon be burning poo in the back yard.

So Christie accepts the inevitable. She’s gonna have to poop in a plastic bag. She does it, surprisingly well, and runs outside with the bag. I had to shit RIGHT AWAY! I was having a premiere grade Margaret Cho moment. I grabbed a Wal-Mart bag, ran into their bathroom, and threw off my pants and shoes. Not noticing the water in the toilet basin, I throw the bag in there, open it up, and sit down to poop. It was a photo finish and I missed.

Poop was everywhere; in the bag, on my butt cheeks, in the basin. After about a whole roll of toilet paper, I realize that half of my poop ended up in the bag and the other half ended up in the toilet. After cleaning my ass, I sneak out and poke my head around the corner, looking into the kitchen. “There’s been a little problem,” I say.

Mandar immediately assumes that I shat all over the floor. I explain myself, and they tell me that I can flush the toilet at least once, and that I can grab another bag to put the first bag in. Trying to put a bag of poop in another bag is not as easy as it sounds. I was able to ball up the two bags and place them into a third with only minor poo smears on my hands. I run outside and toss the bag onto the back porch and Aurora brings a bottle of water to run over my hands while I wash away my own shit. After putting my shoes back on, I throw the triple-bagged feces into the burn pile, and return to play cards like nothing out of the ordinary happened at all.

During the game, Aurora smoked about two bowls and I could tell from Mandar’s giggly composure that he was getting a contact buzz. By the time we get home, once again we find my dad watching old episodes of Frasier, laughing so hard and so loud at jokes I’m sure he knows by heart. Still peppy from his contact buzz, Mandar plays with the dogs and ends up complimenting Penny on how hot she is. Eventually Mandar goes to bed. I go off to write. Thus ends the second full day without power.

PS: Despite the horridness of this entire situation. The weather is gorgeous today. Autumn is finally coming and I’m loving every minute of it… except for the whole lack of power and pooping in plastic bags (which was actually a target bag I pooped in by the way).


Pandora said...

That's right! Poo on target!

Mandar Malum said...

All i have to say is, NO!!! I was not complimenting Penny on how hot she was... she was radiating heat, and on a hot night, it was not helping my sleeping situation.

Also, You fail to mention how funny you thought it was to keep sending Pandora texts telling her you pooped in a bag, then telling her "...I said..."