A Failed Hallow's Eve

Quick rant: So when driving through Bellville to go to Christie's house, we happened to drive through their "trick or treat" event. Major fail! There were about 3 kids under 16 years and about 500 kids over 18 years of age. What the fuck happened. Halloween used to be for little kids and great scary movies. Total fail! Oh yeah, did I mention that Christie already had her Christmas tree up! Uber uber fail!

In the spirt of FAILED, I've decided to feature some great images from failblog.org which are pretty self explanitory.

I Don't Think I Can Wait 5 More Days...

Lets just fucking VOTE already! AHH! I'm so god damn done with this election. Let's just put McCain and McCunt into the ground!!! AHHHH!!!

'Cos I'm Sure You Really Care

'Cos I'm sure you really care, I've decided to break down my iPod's music by percents. So here it is.

Oomph! - 18%
A.F.I. - 9%
Richard Dawkins* - 7%
t.A.t.u. - 6%
Nightwish - 6%
Tarkan - 5%
Within Temptation - 4%
Sarbel - 4%
Marilyn Manson - 4%
Shakira - 3%
Britney Spears - 3%
Cobra Starship - 2%
Disturbed - 2%
Everthing Else Is Less Than 1% (27% Total)

*Richard Dawkin's "The God Delusion" audiobook.

Fuck You Ice Bear!!!

So lately I've been in a huge Oomph mood. I realized today that I don't have all of their CDs (they have 10 studio albums and lotsa other shit). So I decided to jump around the internet and ::cough cough:: download all their stuff.

Well thank Zeus for Wikipedia because it had not only lists of all the CDs and their tracks and translations, but also a nice long list of rare tracks... that you KNOW I just had to have.

Now before we get into the semantics, bear in mind (no pun) that nearly all of Oomph's stuff in inaccessible to download through the legal means in the United States (they are German afterall). Even worse, only their most popular stuff is offered widely on The Pirate Bay (like the last 3 CDs). I was lucky to find a discography that contained all the CDs but unfortunately didn't have the rare b-side bonus tracks (like 20 songs, many of which are amazing).

After just a bit of searching, I was able to sift my way through the internet and find nearly everything except for one song. "Eisbär" which means literally "Ice Bear" but more roughly translated means "Polar Bear." It was a b-side on the "Augen Auf" special edition single. A very rare find indeed.

Looking online I could find lyrics to the song. I could even find videos on YouTube with the song playing in shittious quality. But I couldn't find crystal (huet!) clear quality. I needed that song... BAD!

So here, after hours and hours of searching I have FINALLY found it. I hadn't dared listen to the song all the way through in the fear that I would really want it (like I already didn't). So once I knew I had it in my possession, I listened to it and was blown away (literally). It's perhaps the strangest song by Oomph but I love it none the less. Here is a sample of the lyrics (translated from German).

"I'd like to be a polar bear, at the cold polar
Then I wouldn't have to cry anymore
Everything would be so clear
I'd like to be a polar bear, at the cold polar
Then I wouldn't have to cry anymore
Everything would be so clear
Polar bears must never cry
Polar bears must never cry"

Yeah, so I won my war against the "Eisbär." Fuck you ice bear!!!

The Funniest Simpsons Moments

They are only about a minute or so each but they are hilarious. This isn't anything from the new Simpsons, it's from back when the show was really good.

New HBP Trailer

The wait will be far too long...

Focas On Your Own Fucking Family

Okay, so this douche-worthy group that asked peopled to pray so that Obama's campaign would be flooded have done it again. They have compiled a list of (terrible) things that will happen if Obama wins. I'd like to touch on a few.

* Gay marriage is declared a Constitutional right.
- As it should be.

* The Boy Scouts of America is forced to “hire homosexual scoutmasters and allow them to sleep in tents with young boys.” They choose to disband instead of following those orders.
- The Boy Scouts of America won't be disbanding anytime soon. There are only a few small times when a gay person wants to be involved. They make it out as if gays are just dying to join the boy scouts. I sincerely doubt anything like this will even come close to happening.

* Gender identity is part of a mandatory curriculum for first graders, including the “goodness of homosexuality” as a potential personal choice.
- No it won't. This is pure bullshit.

* Christian schools are shut down because of anti-discrimination laws.
- No they won't. This is bullshit and scare tactics.

* Christian parents have trouble adopting children because of their “narrow” and “dangerous” views on religion.
- No they won't. Adoption centers are looking for couples who can provide safe and stable homes.

* Same-sex couples working in your Christian-owned company must receive equal benefits.
- Would a Christian-owned company even hire a gay person?

* The Bible can no longer be preached over the airwaves because it is considered hate speech.
- Hate speech is protected by the first amendment. You can hate hate hate all you want. It's when you say that you're gonna do bad shit that you've committed a crime.

* Doctors who refuse to provide “artificial insemination for lesbian couples” will lose their licenses.
- Any doctor can refuse to provide care for any patient for anything.

* Ditto with counselors who refuse to counsel same-sex couples, including those professionals who work in churches.
Very few gay people give a damn about churches.

* Churches must allow gay weddings on their property or risk losing their tax-exempt status.
- Churches can turn away anybody from having a wedding on their property, gay or straight, white or black.

* Churches must not discriminate against gay people when they hire staff (with the exception of Senior Pastor).
- Hello, again, very very few gay people give a damn about church. Don't they realize that only about 6-7% of men are gay! Not 50%!

* Gays are allowed in the military.
- Gays are already allowed in the military, just not openly.

* High school students are not allowed to worship at the Pole or gather for Bible studies.
- Where the fuck do they even get these ideas!?

* College Christian groups are no longer allowed on university property.
- Again! What the fuck.

* “Under God” is removed from the Pledge of Allegiance.
- This is such a petty bullshit thing to even care about on both grounds.

* Christian doctors and nurses are forced to participate in or perform abortion procedures.

- Again, any doctor can refuse to service anybody for any reason.

* Sexual acts are allowed to be seen on TV all hours of the day. Porn magazines are visibly displayed on newsstands everywhere.
- I just can't even begin to ask where in the fuck they get these ideas. Do they really think that all non-Christian people are DYING to see people fucking on T.V. all the time.

* Your right to own a gun is taken away.
- The second amendment protects your gun, hillbilly.

* If you home-school your children, you must teach from a state-approved (non-Christian) curriculum. As a result, many Christian parents move to Australia and New Zealand.
- I'll pay for your ticket... because home-schooled kids should be taught non-Christian curriculum.

* Our troops are withdrawn from Iraq (after which, terrorists take over the unprotected country).
- What the fuck!?

* Illegal wiretapping is put to an end. Terrorist bombs go off in several American cities.
- So what... illegal wiretapping is a good thing apparently?

* We now have universal health care.
- Oh no!

* We go into a prolonged recession.
- Haha, Bush already got that done.

* The budget deficit skyrockets despite taxes on the wealthy.
- The budget deficit already has.

* Christian publishers are no longer allowed to distribute books in major bookstores.
- Anybody can distribute their books to any bookstores.

* Criminal and civil charges are filed against “nearly every Bush administration official who had any involvement with the Iraq war.”
- Good!

What makes me laugh is the fact that these people think more about gay guys than gay guys think about gay guys.

"Who Dropped This Brownie" / The Levi Steamer

I really don't wanna talk about this for too long because it's quite depressing on me. Yesterday Mandar and I went to my parent's house to play cards and such. The night was going generally well and my step-mom ended up wining Wizard. I had to pee. So I got up and walked to the bathroom and stood there and peed. Something felt wrong. As I walked out of the bathroom, I felt my shoe slide a little bit. I could smell something funky.

Once I out to the kitchen, I grabbed a brownie and walked back into the dinning groom to get a drink. I walked back toward the kitchen and saw something brown on the carpet. Looking about, I thought, "Who dropped a brownie." The answer. Nobody.

I had stepped in poop in the bathroom and walked about three rooms tracking it everywhere. Mandar and my step-mom could not stop laughing. I went outside and took off my shoe and eventually my dad had to get the steam cleaning out.

Mandar and I wondered which of the two dogs had pooped in the bathroom. Looking at Levi, I knew it was him. My step-mom and Mandar found it so funny. I didn't think so much.

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The Procrastination Factor

So today I have the morning off and don't have to be a work until six o'clock. Well, last night I went to bed around midnight. This morning I woke up around 8am or so (not long after Mike left for work). I worked on some outlining and personal writing, read a little, and played some Kirby Superstar Ultra.


Eleven o'clock rolled around and I realized that I was hungry so I microwaved a couple pieces of bologna and put them between some nice buns (don't judge!). After eating and watching The Golden Girls (don't judge!), I realized that I really needed to get some homework done. I needed to read some ethical scenarios for Ethics and needed to do some case briefings for Intro to Law. But before I could do that I of course had to finish watching The Golden Girls (omg, that show first aired in the year I was born... wow!).


So then one o'clock rolled around and I turned off the T.V. and opened up my laptop. First of all, before I could even start to do my homework I had to check out my daily portals of news (you know, CNN.com, Myspace, Blogger, Leaky Cauldron, D-listed). After that I decided it was time to bog down and get some work done! I had to be a work in just a few hours and class was at 9am the next morning.

I pulled out my book bag and realized it was time for me to clean it out. I had old payed bills stuffed in there as well as oyster crackers and soup that I had taken last week for lunch but never ate. After I had it nice and pretty my my Obama/Biden pin was shinned, I pulled out my agenda to see what exactly I had to do (what page in what books etc.). Well I immediately realized it had been forever since I had added new stuff to my agenda (like x-mas breaks, winter registration, winter qtr. start, etc).

So I decided that I would listen to the new t.A.T.u. album that came out yesterday and is now available on iTunes called, "Happy Smiles." It's really good and very different. I just hope their next CD isn't such a long wait. Well by the time I finished added shit to my agenda, I had listened to the whole CD.


This was it! It was time to bog down and get some fucking word done! It was already 2pm!!! I opened up word and opened up my Legal Ethics books and was nearly ready to begin. Only... geez these glasses need cleaning. So I got up and cleaned them but realized that while I was up I might as well clean up a little bit. That didn't take long and I sat back down to my laptop.

Now before I could start I had to listen to some music while I did my homework (I can't stand silence). So I skewed through my iTunes and decided to listen to a great little collection of older AFI songs I like to call The Despair Factor. It's a really good tracklisting, check it out (I'm on track seven now)!

1. Days Of The Phoenix
2. Catch A Hot One
3. Six to Eight
4. Wester
5. The Despair Factor
6. Malleus Maleficarum
7. Total Immortal
8. The Prayer Position
9. No Poetic Device
10. At A Glance
11. God Called In Sick Today
12. Halloween
    

Sitting down, I realized I had procrastinated for so freaking long and thought, wow, I'm just like Ellen, I can't get anything done... I should really blog about this. So here I am now, nearly three in the afternoon and I haven't even begun my homework (which is sitting next to me ready to be done).

This is what I like to call, The Procrastination Factor. It's the factor inside me that causes me to push my homework back as far as possible, despite the fact that it will probably only take me 45 minutes or so to do. You know... I haven't checked the mail yet today. Maybe I'll pop out there real quick and see what the kitties are doing before I start this...

Rarely Does The Word Cunt Apply...

This is one of those rare phenomenons. I have faith too, that there aren't too many of these out there. Kudos to Hemant Metha's blog for bringing this to light.



Yeah well... you better get used to saying President Obama now. You've got two weeks to get that sick feeling out of your tummy.

Why Do People Give Her Money?

Wow... yeah. See, if I could talk to dead people, I would have much better questions and far more pressing matters to attend to then being on the Montel show.

Check out her 2008 predictions below...



Sylvia: The housing market will get stronger.
Truth: It got shittier and millions lost their homes!

Sylvia: The bank moguls will buy up the foreclosures and get richer.
Truth: The bank moguls went broke!

Sylvia: Jobs will get better with Ford because of them starting to make hybrids, and this will break up the automotive industry.
Truth: Ford hasn't gotten into the hybrid market any more than they had in 2007 and has cut jobs at a record rate. Further more, the auto industry is at the worst point it's been in this decade.

Sylvia: I wouldn't invest into a stock unless you research it.
Truth: No shit! That's true in the best and the worst times!
(Note: She never mentioned whether or not the stock market in general would get any better or worse, which considering how much it's tanked like a shitter, her magic powers should have caught onto.)



Sylvia: I think the troops will start coming back home in 2008 in increments.
Truth: The troops haven't come home, in fact there has been a surge. Further more, in every single war in US history the troops have come back in increments. They never just all come home at once.

Sylvia: The other countries are going to start bailing out of the war.
Truth: No country has left the war, in fact Turkey entered the war.

Sylvia: Bush's approval rating will go lower.
Truth: She took the words out of my mouth. Duh!
(Note: Rules of chance do apply that she will get some right by chance without magic powers. You would think she might even get some of the tougher ones by chance too!)

Sylvia: Obama will be the democratic front runner.
Truth: Obama is.
(Note: There's that rule of chance! I'm surprised newspapers didn't run articles claiming that Sylvia Brown predicted it!)

Sylvia: Hillary's gonna be big and then she'll flatten out.
Truth: Hilliary's biggest jump was at the end which was too little too late. She also said that Hillary would be big in the summer which was dumb because the primaries are over in late May.

Final note: You would have thought her bad track record would have caused her to end up on Montel far less but nope! Check out the great video down here.

That's Right! I Went There!

Even though I already posted my belief on how the electoral college will go on November 4th, which I still stand by, I am going there people...

Barack Hussein Obama

will be the next president of United States of America.

Vote Obama/Biden 2012!

Heh, just think what I first thought when Pandora first told me about Obama back in 2007 when I still worked with her and Mandar. Back then I said "Hillary Clinton will be our next President" and she said "Well there's this black guy named Barack Obama..." and I thought, Pssh, what'eva! I done never even hurd of 'im!

Need I Say A Word?

If I Was Only 40 Years Older

It's time to express my love for a certain man on this earth who really has changed my life. I think about him quite a lot and he's provided a great deal of inspiration for me. If I was only 40 years older and he was gay or I was a female, I'd be all up in Richard Dawkins.

He's a no bullshit maverick who rides the straight talk express. No not Cranky McNasty. Dr. Clinton Richard Dawkins has written eight books on evolution and one on religion, all of which embracing the ideals of many which find the earth, universe, and reality to be far more marvelous without god.

He has also created seven amazingly brilliant documentaries on the fact of evolution as well as his abhorrence for organized religion (including Christianity which holds a special place in his heart).

Several years ago he started what is known as the atheist moment urging atheists to 'come out' and profess their godlessness (which, believe it or not, is 20% of the population on earth, nearly all of which are the elite and educated).

Check out this horrible video where Bill O'Riley attempts to make Dawkins look stupid (in farness, O'Riley always sucks at interviewing)



In the spirit of equal play, here is how CNN interviewed Dawkins.



That black guy asked where do atheists get their morals from? He says that he gets his morals from God and the Bible which is funny because if that were true he would have stoned those women to death for attempting to be his equal.

So that is my quick boast of love for Richard Dawkins, which I must add does him no justice, there is a plethora of better interviews, speaches, and debates from him on his own website and on YouTube. I encourage everyone to luster in his glory.

In Poor Taste...

Yesterday at work I was told a 'joke' if that's what you want to call it. I was asked by my manager, "What do JFK and Barack Obama have in common?" The answer: "Nothing yet."

Boo...

Here is what they really do have in common. They have both inspiring a generation to enjoy and be active in politics. If Obama looses, after his now ten point lead on McCain, both a race and a generation will forever be alienated from politics and most of all, hope.

Btw, I long for the day when Barack Obama doesn't come up on spell check as incorrect.

Lets Hope The Kids Aren't All Fucked Up

For some stupid reason Scholastic and Nickelodeon have been getting kids involved in voting for the next president (well not really, just for fun) for several years. Surprisingly they are often correct! I hope they are this time because they have voted for Obama.


Which reminds me, there has been a lot of talk lately about racism and the vote for Obama. People are afraid that people who are being polled who are saying that they are voting for Obama will change their mind in the voting booth because he's black. I don't believe this for two reasons. First of all, I agree with Michelle Obama when she says that if being black was such a big issue, then he wouldn't have got the nomination. There are a small amount of people who will vote specifically against Obama because he's black. However, there are just as many people who will vote for him for the same reason which I believe will counter it all out.

Corner Gas Quote Of The Day

“It’s a nice day! I like working outside! The sun is shining and the birds are singing and the sky is bleeding and the grass is screaming…” - Wanda

Meet Adolf Kitler

Apparently there is this site online called Cats That Look Like Hitler. We've got two cats that look like Hilter outside but they are too shy to get their picture taken. Here is a great example of what they call a Kitler.

Kiss My Sass!

So we set out for our second adventure to see Cobra Starship on their Sassyback Tour. I was so hungry when we left and so we stopped at Goasis to eat at the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut there. That Taco Bell was so overpriced. The $0.89 burrito was $2.19 there. What the fuck!

So after that we made our way to Cleveland and after several twists and turns down different roads looking for parking, we ended up parking in the garage across the street from The House of Blues where they were playing.

The House of Blues was really awesome looking. I loved the decor there. They had lots of merchandise but I didn't get anything because it was all pretty gay looking. We got right up to the balcony and had the perfect seats; second row, just to the right. The four guys in the front of us just sat there and weren't in our way at all. It was perfect (in fact we were only a couple seats away from the VIP section).

What was even better was that we had nobody on either side of us and the only other person in our row was this forty something year old lady. However lucky we were, there were still a shit load of people there. It was nearly sold out.


The first band called Sing It Loud came on and they weren't that good. They didn't suck but they weren't good. They were pretty much a garage band and they were all about twelve years old, I swear. They were four white kids with about a six inch waist, and then some black kid on keyboards who was normal sized but next to the twinks looked like an orca. What's worse is he looked just like this guy from this Nickelodeon show called Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide.


So during the concert there was this big lady who was part of the House of Blues security and she kept swooping down on people we were standing where they shouldn't be or who were sneaking into the VIP section. So we named her 'The Hawk.' We thought it was fitting.

The next band called Sing It Loud came out and they just pretty much the same. Not good. Not horrible. Just blah. They pretty much seemed just like the last band only older. They were probably in their early 30s and their newest CD is called "Skip School, Start Fights." Yeah...

So there was supposed to be yet another opening band called Forever The Sickest Kids. Well they weren't there, I think they were sick. Now that I mention that, Margaret Cho was sick last night too but she still went on. Gabe from Cobra Starship was sick too, and he still went on. So I gotta give big props to sick people still going out there and doing it because if Cho and Cobra both cancelled because they were sick I'd have been depressed for the rest of the year. I would have totally deleted them off my iPod.

So then Cobra finally got on stage and they were pretty good. They had a lot going against them because Gabe has these cysts on his throat that he has to get removed in surgery (which isn't until next year). His voice was not well but he did the best he could. All and all they preformed their best songs which unfortunately they don't have many since they only have 2 CDs so far (however they have finished their 3rd which should be coming out soon).

Their performance was in one word unique. Gabe's dancing and craziness was outrageous and I have to give him credit because he managed to look cool which to be honest he was only one beat away from looking like a retard on Bacardi. He wasn't really sexy or attractive at all (especially his old dingy green plaid hoodie). There was also this point when in a song he sung the words "take a shit where you sleep" and he squatted down and looked like he was pooping.

At one point Gabe said "I wanna get a tattoo of my mom's pussy on my head so I always remember where I came from." Thankfully Vicky T laughed and said, "Did you really just say that?" That was what we were all thinking.

The other problem was that Gabe loved to talk. Talk talk talk talk talk. They rocked out for a while without any breaks and then he started talking for about 5 or so minutes between songs. Later he talked for about 15 minutes and then said "oh, this next is our last song by the way."

All and all they were good but they definitely have room for improvement. This was their first headlining tour and they are a new band. I would like to see them again if they come back around after Gabe's surgery and after a new album. I think they have a bright future ahead if they just keep getting better.

"Eat Me Out! Eat Me Out!"

So Saturday we left the house for Columbus to see Margaret Cho’s Beautiful tour. First we stopped at Pandora’s and met her mustache. Then we left, hoping to eat at the Truckstop on 13/71, which had its windows bordered up and was closed. Quite depressing. So instead we continued on until we got to Columbus and decided to try out “Red Robin.” I had the Italian burger and it was amazing. They also had bottomless fries.


Then we went to the mall and I had to pee really badly. After that we purchased the paperback version of The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. Then we went into this amazing international store where I swear I could have spent a million dollars.

Then we finally got to the parking garage and went into the show. To my surprise there were actually drinks and everything there. The opening guy sucked… bad. And then Cho came on and it was amazing. Here are a few jems I remember.

“I fucking hate Sarah Palin. I wanna fingerbang some sense into her… at least until her hair comes down.”

“I would lick her pussy but it’s frozen. I’d get my tongue stuck to it.”

“What kinda fucking experience does she have? (In Sarah Palin voice) Oh well geez, I guess we’ll have a snow day.”

“These pants are so tight, that the other day I farted and it came out the front. It’s like a mini-applause.”

“I love penis but I don’t like it when its way too small or way too big; especially when it’s just like a little head and a lot of bush. You know when its looks like a little mushroom in the grass. Oh look! It must have rained last night. Don’t eat it! It might be poisonous. I also hate when it’s long and thin… like, whatdya gonna do with that? Check my oil!?”

“The problem with John McCain is that he’s so old that he doesn’t make jizz anymore, he makes glue.”

“I hate when you find that mold on balls. I’m just like, clean it and I’ll suck it! Clean it and I’ll suck it. No! I said clean it! And I’ll suck it. Oh just wipe it on the drapes.”

“I was getting fucked from behind by my boyfriend once and he’s got the loooongest balls. They were like swinging up and hitting my in the face. Knocked the cigarette right out of my mouth! Gave me a black eye once!”

“The pope is so mean. He’s just so fucking mean… I think he was in Slytherin.”

“Christians hated Brokeback Mountain which I don’t understand why because I went and saw Passion of the Christ and I was just like, Oh Jesus! Say your safety word! Say yellow!”

“I love Jesus because he is such a bottom.”

“My clit is like my on button. (Bending over and making boop noise) Clearly my clit is a Mac clit. I don’t know how a Windows PC vagina sounds. And my anus. That’s like my emergency shut down button. You gonna lose all unsaved changes if push that.”

"I realize that all the shit with Britney Spears went down when she let somebody take a picture of her pussy. Its like, when they take a picture of your pussy, they steal your pussy's soul. Don't let them take a picture of your pussy."

"When I saw them taking Britney out of her house handcuffed to a stretcher I was like, Oh girl! I been there before."

She ended the night with her own song called, "Eat Me Out." The whole song was pretty much her shouting "Eat Me Out!" Well that’s as much as I can remember for now. This was so much more funnier than her last two and I was so relieved. Ever since Notorious CHO, there has been a steady decline in the amount of laughs I’ve been getting and I was worried that I was just growing out of her humor. But this one so fucking hilarious, nearly on part with Notorious CHO, which is surprising considering that she pretty much talked about pimmel and pussy the entire time.

Believe It Or Not, I Really Like It

I know Pandora will judge and won't even watch the video... but I like it!

It Took All My Strength...

So today I was working the drive-thru today at work. This lady pulls up and I say something to the effect of, "Hi, $12.88 please." She had a glazed look on her eyes and a strange looking boy in the passenger seat. Most customers don't say a word (in fact most don't even say thanks). She however said, "Hi how are you doing this beautiful day?" I didn't say much... I mean what is there to say?

I took her money and gave her the change. Suddenly she thrust this small little pamphlet in my face and said, "Please take this and read it with an open heart." I immediately knew what it was. It was a pamphlet all about Jesus and how I need to be saved. I have found these pamphlets several times in the men's restrooms. Usually they stay something to the effect of "All the good deeds in the world will be useless without Christ in your life." So that basically means that I can be a model citizen and still go to hell. However, I can be a murderer, but as long as I believe in Jesus, I'm saved. Well that makes perfect sense.

It took all my strength to not reply, "Haha, yeah sorry but I'm an atheist." But considering the fact that this lady was actually very nice and polite (although a bit buzzed), I simply replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't accept this." I passed it back and she stuttered and said, "Uh... okay."

I gave her the food and said thanks. She drove off. Later in the night I told this fat racist bitch named Lindsay about it and she laughed and said, "If that was I me I would have said, yeah right lady, I'm an athiest, sorry." That surprised me.

So in the spirit of Jesus and Halloween. Go here to dress him up for trick or treating.

Random Images 1

Every once in a while I save an image onto my computer for no good reason. Here are some of those pictures.

What Online Quizes Are Telling Me...

Oh God! I'm a maverick...

Let me see if I have this straight....

I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight…..

* If you grow up in Hawaii , raised by your grandparents, you're 'exotic, different.'

* Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, yours is a quintessential American story.

* If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

* Name your kids Willow, Trig, and Track, you're a maverick.

* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.

* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.

* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that Registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.

* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive and next in line behind a man in his eighth decade.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and then left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a true Christian.

* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you're very responsible.

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious Law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America 's.

* If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

OK, that makes it much more clearer now…